Shame: Taking Inventory

 

Certainly, consciousness is a thing I favor, so being conscious that I committed wrong or foolish behavior seems meritorious.  

 

It's the painful feeling of humiliation or distress with which I take issue. The thing about pain is that it has a tendency to drive consciousness underground. If something hurts, humans have a tendency to tuck it into the basement of the unconscious, even if that thing is consciousness itself. 

 

That kind of defeats the purpose of consciousness, hiding it in the musty storage bins of the unconscious, doesn't it?

 

So, what to do about these feelings gathering dust in the musty corners of our subterranean storage chambers? Why do anything with them, in fact? Why not just leave them there?

 

Here's the problem -- they are parts of us. We are storing nothing other than aspects of ourselves down there. We are hiding away essential elements of our Unique Selves. If it is true, then, that "showing up" is part of the path to wisdom and compassion, and that to show up is to come forward in the fullness of our respective Unique Selves, then that path to wisdom and compassion must lead straight through the basement.

 

The beginning practice, then, is to take inventory. Here's the exercise: imagine sitting at the front of a room filled with people who matter to you -- friends, family, co-workers, partners -- the whole gang. Be sure the room contains plenty of people whose opinion of you matters to you. Then, imagine telling your entire life story to this gathering, from the beginning right up to the present, with all the details. Yes, all the details. We've got plenty of time. You might even want to break up the exercise over a period of days, perhaps taking a decade at a time. 

 

Here's the heart of the exercise: what parts of this story are you leaving out, or merely summarizing? Every time you encounter one, write it down.

 

If you can't think of any omissions right off the bat, take even more time. You might even enlist the help of some of your friends and family who might know of some of these incidents you'd prefer to omit from your telling. 

 

Now, make a list of these hidden treasures. Don't worry, the assignment does not include posting this list on Facebook. This is just your personal inventory, or a portrait of your shame.

 

You may come to think of this inventory, this portrait, as a key to unlocking your greatest wisdom and compassion.